if

(pentax k1000, kodak max 800)

an early morning drive either in silence or listening to some chosen piece of music. mind wandering into the past and future or simply gazing out into the haze of the awakening minutes and street travelers, commuting to work and school. this day i smiled back in time, to that moment i first saw you- ears flopping backward, hobbling and hunching forward in trepidation, nose close to the floor, a 4 month bundle of baby need, sweet, soft and scared. i was scared too. i loved you instantly and then came to love you slowly, it was like that with us. we grew into each others hearts.

last night i opened my book to read and absentmindedly reached out to scratch your back, but finding instead your leg i gently rubbed the tufts of hair there, discovering yet another protrusion. a nodule, and its twin on the other leg, just above your knees. the "popliteal lymph nodes". enlarged. you are 7 years older now and wise and aged from this disease. like a zen master or a buddha.

the cancer has spread everywhere, i know this now. nothing has changed but everything is changing.

you are the bravest and strongest soul i know. thank you for today. for greeting me with licks and snorts and begging for another biscuit and a treat.

i'm ready when you are, my dearest and best friend. even though i will never be ready.