Thursday, April 21, 2011

of bonds and mending hearts.

my boy
(yashica mat-124, kodak ektar 100)

i wonder each time ransom pauses outside to look toward the same cul-de-sac what exactly he sees. what his nose is sniffing after. nothing has really changed on our street in the 5 years we have lived in this little house.

except, everything.

today, i have learned your cancer has spread Buddy. that your liver and your spleen are enlarged. at work i shed tears and in the car, leaving work, i could hardly breath through them.

but i arrived home to your happy disposition, your amazing smile, and found it impossible not to grin from ear to ear in return. your eagerness in greeting me is the highlight of my day, equal only to seeing Ellis and Garth. but maybe this exuberance was only realizing a biscuit was soon coming? :o) i don't think so. when i sensed a week ago your time to leave might be near, when my gut was telling me... when i hoped my gut was faulty and misguided, but deep down i knew better....

i can attribute that knowing to only one thing: this incredible, indescribable, amazing bond the 2 of us share, Mr.Man. somehow you were telling me in your own way- and i heard. that's the kind of love that is shared between us. a love that transcends the spoken word and is wholly unconditional.

now it is time for our hearts to break and mend as we start to say our good-byes. not yet, you say to me. but sooner now than later. maybe in this way your cancer is a gift, even though i am struggling not to feel angry that it came so early in your short life.

today was the hardest day of them all. 7 years to just weeks... (if we have weeks)... in a flash. i wouldn't trade a single second. every one has counted.

there is no eloquent way to wrap this post up tonight. i love you Buddy. you have my heart. let's just make the most of these days. ice cream, peanut butter, table scraps, snuggles, trips to Pet Sm*rt... the world is yours. and heaven too.


  1. sending lots of love to the both of you!!!

  2. That hurts me very much to read that. I think of you and hug you both.

  3. Oh man. I am so sorry. Losing a pet, a best pal, is so hard. My heart is with you and Ransom. xoxo

  4. I have tears in my eyes. You are handling this so well. You have good plans together. Enjoy these days.

  5. Words cannot describe how sad I am for you and Ransom. You are so strong and brave and I am sending hugs to you and Mr. Man. A decade past since I lost my dog but it is still fresh in my memory. Spend as much time together as you can!
    xoxo, Jenya

  6. Ohhh typing this with tears running down my cheeks.
    I know how you feel, as I had 9 years with my wonderful bulldog.
    Sending you big hugs!

  7. Maybe it is a silly question: Does he feel the pain a lot. I wish that doggy would feel the same pain as people do. Sending you big hugs! I share your love to "your buddy"....

  8. Fei An, I am not sure I understand your question. He is not IN pain (yet) and hopefully will never be. I don't think he feels pain (emotionally) about death, as death for him is just a continuation of life, I think dogs/animals are more attune to that truth than humans. But he feels my pain, and is present to it without a SINGLE doubt, and has been with me through hell before and literally was my rock in the hardest years of my life (loss of my mom, divorce, loss of best friend and first daughter, all in a span of 8 months). so, we are deeply connected. i dare say he is a soul mate.

  9. oh i am so sorry to read.
    i could start crying reading ur post.
    i know how it feels.
    both of my dogs are really old and i am afraid this is going to be our last year together. i love them so much i can't imagine being without them.

    soul mate(s) is such a wonderful description!

  10. I am so sorry... I could tell how deeply you and Ransom are connected...
    " soulmate" sounds beautiful. Sending you big hugs.

  11. Dear K, sorry for my bad English. I mean physically, in pain. ..

    When my grandmother was in her last days, I only pray that she will not suffer so much the pain physically. As you said, I also think "death" is just a continuation of life. We will meet again the ones whom we lost and we love somewhere and some how....

    I understand your love and connection to you buddy, and I am so sorry for the things happened in your life... But you know, this time , you have one more friend to be togehter with you. Yes, I will be here for you, dear K!

  12. Fei An... no worries. I thought that is what you had meant... :) And we are so grateful he is not in pain. We have medicine for him in case he does start to have pain though, and obviously if it becomes severe or he begins to suffer in a way that cannot be controlled or relieved, we will let him go...

    thank you so much for your kind words. thank you everyone for your kind words. this is such a difficult time but we have really been soaking up every minute together!

  13. :o(

    I send you nothing but love and hugs... to you and your boy. I hope these remaining weeks are filled with love and the knowledge that the bond you have is an amazing one that cannot be touched by disease.


  14. so sorry to hear about Buddy. i know the feeling, i have had two very dear dog friends..

    lots of love and joy to your days <3

  15. :( very sad, I lost my cat when she got hit by a car and it was one of the most painful and upsetting times. My thoughts are with you, he is beautiful... x



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